Love lost, read and found
This is Katherine in the 90s when we visited Universal Studios in Orlando Florida. It’s funny how time diminishes the specifics of information and facts you picked up along the way and many of the details of what you did exactly on holiday, but it doesn’t impact on the memory of the time and company you shared on the way.
Back then Kath and I were still young and commitment free and our children were yet an unplanned eventuality of the future yet to come. During those years Kath and I would look forward to holidays together as all couple do, with relish and excitement about all the far corners we would see. Sometimes we would hit the open road and just make it up as we went along enjoying the unknown unpredictability of a driving holiday, while other times we would have a more structured holiday somewhere far off.
Of course I wouldn’t change a thing when it came to our girls but what I would give to be back in those care free days when we were just ‘us’! That year we did a Florida holiday including Miami, The Everglades, Naples, Cocoa Beach, Kennedy Space Centre and of course Orlando and all of it’s parks. We had so much energy back then and of course there was only us, so it didn’t matter how full on each holiday was, in fact the more full on the better! Most of the 90s followed a similar pattern in regards to holidays up until we finally started our family together. From then all of the holidays had more of an emphasise on what the girls would enjoy, what we could now afford, and what we would be able to manage without coming home feeling worn out.
A holiday is supposed to be a way of recharging your batteries after all.
Anyway fast forward quite a few years and last summer finding myself alone in Kath’s absence and with only my young girls to deal with alone, I took them all to Spain for a 3 week holiday and a chance to reconnect with family and cousins they hardly knew or had never met ever before. It was a good decision in the end as I was able to find enough beach and pool time to chill with the girls and still reconnect with other adults in a way that ensured I did not go out of my mind.
But here I am again now thinking what shall I do and what kind of holiday shall I go for that won’t be me just running away. I say that because it feels that is all I am ever doing, just running away from everyone and everything all of the time.
I now understand why so many people when dealing with grief, just pour themselves into work and keep as busy as they can be. In a way for me that is the only time I function without this gnawing sensation eating away at me. If I have work on, I just have to get up and get on with it and it does not allow me to dwell, but when I have time free and choices to make, I find myself just staring blankly weighing up each possibility and whether I can muster up any resolve to commit to doing something or find even the energy to get up and get on with it anyway.
I am finding my role of a lone parent very difficult but not for all of the reasons I might have thought and when I try to understand why, I can’t quite put my finger on it exactly, so the next few lines are not set in concrete but are a gist of some of the things I feel:
-Nobody I know quite understands me or the way that I operate, but I wish that they knew in most cases I feel like I am drowning and my daily commitments make me feel like I am swimming in a bottomless pit that as much as I try hard to drain it, it only drains me because it fills up faster than I can empty it. It is hard to share that sentiment with others while I am having to continuously furiously paddle as fast as I can just to keep my head above water.
-I know I have become unreliable in some ways and perhaps some people I even let down, but no one will know or understand just how many things I am failing to do of my own.
-I find it hard to motivate myself without a partner to make all the mundane decisions and to bounce things and ideas off and there is only so much help young children can offer an adult in conversations and in making sound choices. Sound thought out choices come from conversations and hence are built on solid foundations on which you can plant your two feet. This is a platform you can build off and launch off as opposed to the bottomless pits that serve only to suck you back down.
-I want to care about things without having been drained of morale about the thought of carrying them out.
-I want to stop feeling like I need to keep running away.
-I want to stop others in my company from feeling like there is an elephant in the room.
-I want company to distract me from feeling all of the above, so that I can bury myself in something else other than just work.
-I want holidays were all of the above no longer impact, giving me the chance to recharge and connect.
– I want to go away, not feel like I am running away and most of all, I want someone to give me the time of day.
Now all I need to do, is find where the time of day has been hidden from me, and use it to plan a much needed family holiday in the shape of those care free holidays Kath and I used to share when we still had each other.