Love lost, read and found
It would be fair I guess, to say that over the many months that have sped me by in recent times, I could have been labelled a little mad, at times distracted and at worst perhaps even away with the fairies. But in all of this time though my demeanour showed different, I have never been very far from what’s real.
The reality of the past two years is that it all happened in a blur, a kind of mind numbing, soul bruising, heart testing, resolve questioning calendar rush. The relentlessly fast turning pages taunted me to keep up, a kind of remember what you can before the page was turned over and out of view, before I had taken note of any of the detail of the day’s page in a pointless diary.
I did the best that I could of course and I am sure that it must have been funny at times to have been able to watch myself if I could have had an outer body experience and watched my ridiculous routine from the eyes of another observer. From rushing around almost like a headless chicken, from one late thing to another, failing to meet any quality in all of the standards I was used to setting for myself; I wonder what I would have made of it all, if I had not been so closely attached?
I have never been one to be pitied or to seem like I can’t cope. I have never been one to ask for help very lightly, perhaps a stubborn trait that I own. During which in recent times, I have ran around like a bit of a lunatic in a one man game of throw and catch. I can just thank God for the endless energy reserves that somehow he let me find and tap into, that in all that time saw me rarely ever feel like I had dropped the ball, despite how tired I was from running and from reaching out fatigued and reluctant arms. Nevertheless, I could see how hopeless my plight was all along and I did not really expect things to go on this way indefinitely, though I could not see any end to it soon. I guessed I thought sooner or later, I would find the time to sit down and address things and identify what I could do better and what strategies I would have to employ knowing when it came down to it in the long run, I could not possibly go on doing it all.
See what logical thinking was going on all the time in the head of this apparent headless chicken? I would rush and react at everything that was thrown at me and took it on all one at a time without any luxury to plan ahead. In my undefeated mind, I knew I could do it all, even if some things where beginning to slip, the standards I used to expect of myself being ever so slightly lowered and the bar at home never set quite as high. At work my ever present lead became more of a darting glimpse, at home my so many interests were all put on hold. Letters piled up competing almost as high as the unwashed clothes in the laundry basket. Emails were read and forgotten and the texts just the same. Conversations that went on into the night, were wiped clean from the memory by the dawn’s rising sun and any promises I’d made and arrangements too, all got broken unknowingly and only weeks later started to bother the back of my mind with an inkling that something somewhere, I’d forgotten to do.
My parents and siblings I guess were the ones most frequently let down but followed closely by anyone who offered a friend. At work my colleague’s tolerance levels were tested but to his credit he made so many allowances for me. I can turn up to school 20 minutes late with the girls and to work later still and before the day had turned 3pm I could suddenly drop everything in a panic and tell my colleague to finish up on his own and raced off to start another mad rush. The school have become used to me being the last parent to turn up for his girls. But I have not yet got used to me settling to be this unreliable version of myself, nor will I ever will! I berate myself all the time, for what time I will waste, for what schedules I will break, for what time remits I am failing to meet. I curse at the clock and at each new thing that presents itself as something more I must cram into an unused diary as a date I mustn’t forget during a time I cannot really remember.
To my friends I have been no longer dependable in a way that I once knew they knew! Some of those friendships I have tested unfairly and some I guess inappropriately too. When you feel all alone in your daily life, you feel like you have nothing really to lose. During this time everything that I did lose, I convinced myself was not anything much I was willing to kill myself for in trying to keep. What I never lost was sight of who I always was and all that I still try to be, and I was content in the knowledge that despite all that would fall away from my life, what was left was all that I was searching for just the same.
I have tried not to lose anything identifying me as ‘me’. I have kept my same inner goals and the standards I strive for though in recent times have escaped me, still are what I judge myself by and resent when I am failing to meet.
My daughters depend so much on me and that doesn’t leave a lot left for me. But time has allowed me to find my own way, though I still am running as fast as I can. On the outside I might seem this frantically lost soul in a strange city without a map, on the inside I am swimming along serenely and enjoying the view. I have come to terms with where it is that I am going, and it doesn’t matter who fails to come along for the ride. Life has cast me under its spell. My daughters are easy to carry and I am content with who in myself I have found.
If I seem at times like I am away with the fairies, know it to be that in challenging times you can find a way. But instead of looking back or ahead and even side to side or to those you feel you need to cling on, look into and never lose sight of what makes you who you are and who you find is all you need to ever be. I have found a way with the fairies and in doing so, I found ‘me’.