Losing Kath

Love lost, read and found

“Dear Aimée, …”

Dear Aimée,

As you prepare to make your Confirmation, my mind goes back to five years ago when your sister Hannah was preparing to do the same, and mummy was feeling so very poorly but didn’t want to spoil the mood by telling you all of her grim news, but even then I had no idea of what was truly coming.

Now the years have passed and instead of Hannah it is you who is about to be confirmed and this time I don’t want to stand back so quietly without telling you how proud you make me.

Do you know that after your older sister Jessica died having had such a complicated short life, for a while I thought that I would not again have any more children? Your mother Katherine had a very tough time mourning the loss of our baby daughter and for a while it seemed like she would never be the same again, and I was also worried that Katherine would never be happy again and that our life together would suffer as a consequence.

The day your mother changed her mind and suggested we try for another baby was one of happiest days of my life, only bettered when each of you and your sisters were born, but also because you gave so much life and happiness to your mother, and in doing so, you gave her back to me and we went on to have so many more special years and family memories together.

I know that through Jessica’s loss and how helpless it felt to console your mother, that my prayers to God felt like the only thing I had left to turn to, and I thank God that he answered them.

Years later a similar loss hit us all when mummy herself got ill and we had to see her go, away from our lives forever, and I had to contemplate seeing you raised without your loving mother and my heart was broken for you as much as it was broken for me, because you were still mourning the loss of Ernest your Grandfather.

I can’t tell you enough, how proud I am of how well you have managed to pick yourself up and stay positive about life and how I have been to see you willing to try so many things. Trying to speak Spanish on holiday, trying salsa dancing with strangers and being willing to make an effort with new people you meet everyday, but just how well I see you are doing at school and in every department of life, whilst always staying yourself in the process. I know your mother must be proud of the young woman you are growing into, and the older you get the more I see of your mother in you! Not only in looks, but in mannerisms and in personality too.

Once again I have to give thanks to God for answering my prayers when it felt like so much in my life was lost, and together we have pulled through as a strong unit and family. I hope you will always stay so resilient and positive, and like your mother continue to enjoy trying out new things, and that the journey through life brings you so much happiness.

There will always be sad and testing times in all lives and moments when in the darkest hours we feel lost or alone, or the people around us can’t help us because they do not really know what is in our hearts or our soul, but I want you to know that at those times I found God was always listening and answered my prayers in the long run.

It can feel like you are waiting a long time for things some times, but sometimes it is because God knows which bus you should get on and it’s not always the first one despite how much you might want it.

Losing Jessica in our lives was a terrible blow but perhaps you might not have come otherwise; it’s impossible to know, but I do know I could not imagine my life without you. I look forward to seeing you grow up and maybe one day having a child of your own and that maybe I will meet your mother’s grandchild, but most of all I hope that God will answer your prayers and that you turn to him whenever you need to, and that someone will always love you the way that I need them to.

You deserve that in life so don’t ever settle for anything less and my prayers and God’s spirit will be right behind you.

Love Dad xx

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